They say that when it rains it pours and as childish as it seems to want to write about boys, it seems like every time I start talking to a new one, my old weakness comes along and I almost instantly fall for a boy.
Round 1 - A boy from UF messages me and instantly, I don't necessarily find myself attracted to him, but his insistence that I respond to his messages. What started as pushing my buttons and me responding to try to get him to stop, evolved into all day texting. Whether or not I'd like to be with him at all is still up in the air. He's cute, but he's rather inexperienced which makes my mongrel heart worry because of the experience in the past I've had with inexperienced boys. Some cuts will eventually become scars, but those scars are still there as reminders.
Round 2 - Short and sweet, hot and heavy. What seemed like a 24 hour affair has pretty much been that. Message hot guy on sketchy site. Don't expect a response. Get one and that day, I'm in Clearwater in his apartment watching zombies attack humans and making out with him. The naughty artist type with muscles? Yes please. However, start to finish, it kinda went out with a fizzle despite how into me he seemed. We'll see where it develops but I'm not putting my eggs in any basket just yet.
Round 3 - My overwhelming hatred of the idea of dating another fraternity boy keeps causing issues. I meet these boys who inspire me, challenge me, and make me want to be a better person so that mayhaps I can be with them if the distance weren't so great. Knowing that these boys I meet are more stable than the last fraternity boy I was with doesn't help at all that I can't bare to think of what kind of disasters it will cause. That doesn't stop be from being heartbroken when I find out that they may be dating someone and/or recently single. My idealist heart says that if it's meant to happen, something will. My go-getter attitude says make it happen yourself. My brain says, "You're gonna end up hurt."
Round 4 - My desire to not be in love is in constant battle with my desire to hold someone close every night as I fall asleep to wake up next to him in the morning. I'm programmed to want to be in love. I'm blessed to come from a family where my parents are still together which only makes me want it more. Between heart and head, it's enough to make me dizzy. And sadly, I wish it weren't so. I wish that things were easier in this battle. I wish that it weren't either a knock out one way or the other. I'd really like it if my two strongest organs in my body worked it out peacefully.
Maybe one day it'll make sense. Until then, I'll keep listening to the sad songs on the radio and falling in love with the wrong people.
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You're programmed to want the idea of love. Take time to get T. Teegs set up and in control, truly. I know there's cracks and gaping holes in that armor, and it's ill-fitting, still. As I say to all my friends, get comfy with yourself. Only then can you really have a great relationship.
ReplyDeleteAlso, those people you may think are more mature? They tend to be really good at representing themselves. The ones that we think aren't so mature tend to be the ones more in touch with who they really are.
Love you!