Fuck It

I usually can't stand talking to my ex because most of the time it's like talking to a brick wall. But tonight, there's definitely hope for him. Essentially, he was supposed to have a mental breakdown a week ago. Working 70-80 hours a week at one job, plus school, and a hectic social life, he's running himself ragged, but he doesn't know that he needs to stop. I told him today that he needs to figure shit out and start deconstructing and setting limits and taking "him" time. He said that he's working on it, but he's trying to plan ahead.

My response was a story of how my love life tends to go.

I date a lot of people. We go out, have dinner, watch a movie, talk. Most of the time, that's where it ends. When a guy comes around who just absolutely blows me away, I dive head first. I just think to myself, fuck your reserves, give him everything and see what happens. Usually, it results in a pint of Chubby Hubby, a romance movie marathon, lots of crying, ending in a stint at the gym that would make most people want to die. Then I get back on the horse and do it again. This "Just fuck it" mentality results in a shitton of pain and heartache. But I'm convinced that when it finally works out, it's going to be fantastic. So I'm waiting.

We'll see what happens. Here's hoping he realizes that there's life to live. And here's hoping I'll find the guy who's gonna give me the little things I want in a relationship. And until then, Ben and Jerry's will continue to thrive as long as Chubby Hubby is produced.

Why I Love Deep V's

It's become a common thing in my circle of friends to talk about me and my deep v's. I mean, hell. It's my url for facebook, this blog, my screenname for twitter. I own one in almost every basic color, all from American Apparel, all in XXS. They are my absolute favorite item in my wardrobe.

But WHY?

Well, to be perfectly honest, I love how they feel on my skin. The soft fabric, the nice stretch over my shoulders and chest. The V shows off my best feature, my neck. When I put on a deep v and look in the mirror, the confident, cocky, strong Tyler comes out. And I wear them with pride.

Find your thing. Maybe it's a watch, a hairstyle, a scarf. Maybe it's silk, spandex, lamé. Maybe it's your glasses. Maybe it's that bag. Whatever it is, get it and bring out your best. Then carry it on.

My Name is Tyler. And I'm a...

I feel like everyone belongs in some sort of 12 step program.

Well, I don't know if 12 steps are really necessary for most addictions. At least the first step. Admitting that you have a problem. We all have a problem with something. Usually more than one. Now I can admit that my biggest issues don't really have an official group, and they don't have any extremely negative consequences. Diet Coke, Trading Cards, TV on DVD.

But my biggest addiction that I've just come to realize existed is the feel of a boy's skin on mine.

Holding, being held. Making out, cuddling. Topping, Bottoming. The skin to skin feel is electrifying. I need it when I'm sad, crave it when I'm happy. It's all I think about most nights when I'm alone. The smell, the feel, the sound of fingers brushing against his skin. It's too much to bare. I'll get it eventually. But even then it's still a never ending desire. I'm a touchy person. Holding hands is amazing. I just hope the guy I'll end up with realizes that. :)

I Put On My Old Winter Coat

I would like a new coat. Granted, it's rather useless in the sunny state of Florida, especially in Orlando. But there's something about coats that make me feel safe. Better than a pair of jeans, a pair of shoes, the video game you've been dying for, that impulse buy that you instinctively go for. With a coat, a jacket, a hoodie, a cardigan, you can hold yourself and for a second or maybe longer, however long you need, and the world is safer, smaller, warmer, and maybe, just maybe, as close to perfect as possible in that moment.

On the show that I tend to refer to whenever I'm upset or confused about life, Grey's Anatomy, Mary McDonnell played Dr. Virginia Dixon, a cardio surgeon with Asperger's Syndrome. When Dr. Miranda Bailey comes up with a creative solution to a girl who needs medication delivered to her constantly to keep her heart running healthily, Dr. Dixon freaks out for lack of a better phrase due to her inability to go beyond her science. She then runs into an office and grabs her exam coat and presses it around her. She states that the pressure suppresses the body's reaction and releases endorphins, making her calm down. Dr. Bailey, and Dr. Christina Yang then proceed to hold her until her shaking and panicking stops.

That's why a hug feels so good when you're having a bad day. But when it's 2 in the morning and you're halfway down your pint of Ben and Jerry's, try a jacket. I have one from an ex, it's a big brown cord jacket, too big for me, I couldn't wear it for a while. But now, it's there. For when I need it. But for now, I'm gonna get started on my ice cream.

Him

So, I met a new guy. He's great. Tall, handsome, sexy, he makes me smile like a idiot, gives me that butterfly feeling.

But I tend to fall fast and my brain gets set on hyperspeed and the next thing I know, I'm all the way on the other end of the rainbow and he's still packing his bags for the trip. And that's assuming he's packing like I do which is about a week in advance. I just tend to be prepared and think very far in advance.

So when he's busy at work, my mind wanders to the dark side. I'm a little needy, it's a weakness. I'm admittedly so. He lives an hour away, but I think it will be good for me. I think the distance, the traveling, the missing him so much sometimes it hurts, it'll all help me grow. I need this. And I want him. So maybe for once I'll get the best of both worlds. There's magic in our time together. When he kisses me, steals the covers, grabs my ass. When I pick him up, feel his tummy growl, listen to his heartbeat. So I need to realize that the magic just doesn't disappear because he's not with me. Because he probably is feeling the same way when he gets a chance to put everything down and think about me. I just have less to do on the weekends.