oooohhhh....

This is nice.

Remembering that I have a blog that I doubt anyone reads so I can vent out my frustrations and my feelings and if someone wants to read it they can but I don't have to deal with everyone on my facebook, twitter, or tumblr finding out and trying to get me to talk about how I'm feeling when all I really need is to just get it out of my system. By pouring it out into this cyberspace realm, it gets it out of my system and cleans things out. Like a diet cleanse but for my brain and my soul.

I wish people trusted me more and could see my vision. I know that part of this is that I don't share my vision, but I feel like people should trust me on it. I also am worried about the future of my colony. I just really want it to survive after I'm gone and I'm worried that the people who are in line for leadership don't have the actual leadership experience and understanding to be a president. They're work horses and I'm afraid that they will alienate people who are looking to join the organization. I feel the need to squash that before any change of leadership can occur. I'm also afraid for the future of my schooling. I know I have the drive, but I don't know if I'm actually capable of finishing my thesis in time and getting into a grad school that will give me what I need.

As far as men go, I'm worried that I'll be alone. I know what I want and I know what I like and I know what I'll bend on. Unfortunately, that also means that my pool of dateable men is sinking quickly. I also need to let go of my past. I need to stop texting my exes, I need to stop missing people I shouldn't be missing and I need to move on into the future. I think I'm going to enjoy my single life, much I like I did the summer before college. But at the same time, I have a biological need and a desire to kinda go wild after the end of my last relationship. Keeping my personal, professional, and academic lives all in line is proving stressful.

In the recent years, stress has always been handled by either romance, working out, or eating. And I really have none of the first, should be doing more of the second, and doing a lot less of the third. I'd like to meet people like I met David, by being introduced by a friend. That would just be perfect. David and I clicked really well despite all our bullshit.

I'm doing a lot of inner looking, which is rough and trying, but I'm learning a lot about how I operate in different scenarios. I'm not going to ever be able to confront my fears of things like spiders or snakes, but I certainly can confront my fears of being alone and disappointing people. I really want to work together with people and show them that it's okay to have these fears and issues as long as they don't let them cripple them. I think that working with several people specifically on this will help them a lot. I just feel like I have intense amounts of responsibility without any real way to relax. I pour a lot into other people, but never really have anyone pour back the same attention into me. I know this is my fault for really spreading myself super thin and appearing to be a strong confident man who's got everything together, which is partially true, it's just a facade in the end that really needs to be over. I think that's why I'm really adamant about this coming up business meeting for DLP. I cannot help how people feel about the exercise and I cannot make people realize the importance of breaking down walls and whether or not they think it's conducive to the business of the colony, it's my agenda and I will make an attempt to show people that I'm human and I get overwhelmed and I need support. We'll see.