The Devil Inside

I don't like to think of myself as an angry person. I'm generally carefree and outgoing. Snarky and sarcastic yes, but that's only mean if I do it in a negative manner. No... I'm definitely becoming an angrier person.

Could it be the testosterone that I've kick started again by hitting the gym regularly? Or maybe it's the fact that I'm anxious and energetic to get things done and cross them off my to do list? I'd like to think it's a little of both with a little sexual frustration on the side (an unfortunate side effect of the testosterone).

I'd feel worse though if I didn't feel it was justified.


And boy... do I feel like it's justified.

Dreams

I dream of making forts with our mattress under our kitchen table, using candles as light, making love for hours on the bare bed. I dream of the smell of your skin after a day of life entering my nose like aromatherapy as I hold you close, your shoulder under my chin.

I fantasize about our sex, sensual and passionate, fun and exciting. Your prickly stubble scratching my face and body as you kiss me from my head to my feet, seemingly covering every inch of skin exposed to the world. Your kisses heal my cuts and scrapes, physical and emotional, brought on my my clumsiness and fragile spirit. You remind me that I am beautiful and that all you want is to wake up in my arms.

I dream that you have a new name. I never have to use words to call you to me. It's merely a thought, a gesture of the mind that pulls you to my side where you can hold my hand and squeeze just gently enough so that I feel my ring press against my middle and last fingers. The ring that you gave me when you told me that you never wanted to look into anyone's eyes other than mine ever again. Our world is magical under our table. In our fort. Where the candle wax drips over the edges of small plates we use to catch the drops that fall like rain on a dreary day. Where the mattress slips and resists, like a hedgehog's spines or my hair after I buzz it. Where we have to move slowly, not only for the safety of our skulls, but because every moment we reside in our castle is not enough for us.

Because when you call me close to you so that I can squeeze your hand, you feel that same pressure on your two fingers from the ring I gave to you when I said:

I want to share my castle walls with you until the day I die.

I wrote him a letter

So I wrote Chad a letter outlining how I felt and what has been going on in my life and basically saying I hope you're well and I'm sorry.

At least that was the first page...

The next two pages basically go on and on about how much I was hurt by what happened between us and what I've been doing in the romantic sector of my life since. Which is basically feeling lonely, crying, and sleeping with my stuffed Raccoon Zoidburg that he bought me. I literally go back and forth from wanting to get the next set of tickets to Canton-Akron Airport and calling his roommate and having him take me to their apartment so I can apologize face to face and just see him one more time to hating myself for writing the letter and being hung up on him when he seriously hurt me. My friends definitely fall into two camps, Camp He's an Asshole and Camp He's the Love of Your Life. But I know that both camps just want me to be happy and honestly, I'm not sure which will make me happier. Things got so heavy so quickly with us and it was amazing and romantic and fairy tale and great. But if he does want to talk to me after he reads the letter, (if he reads the letter which I hope to God he does) we're gonna have to have a long talk about setting guidelines and boundaries and maybe him getting a laptop so we can talk to each other face to face once in a while instead of only on the phone. We'll have to do skype dates and see each other regularly and talk about plans and what's going to happen and work incredibly hard to not repeat the mistakes of round 1. It's been four months since we broke up, so we're coming up on 2 months away from the actual length of our relationship. I should be trying to get back out there if things were resolved, if I honestly was ready to move on. But I can't. Talking to other guys bores me and doesn't excite me sexually and honestly the only guys I tend to like talking to are guys that look like Chad. It's kinda a problem. Granted I do have a time, but seriously? I think I should probably vary a little bit in tastes...

But who knows. Maybe I'll get my movie script ending. Or maybe life will go on.

Oh, Nostalgia. You fuckin' cunthole.

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Visual Literacy

I can't help but look at pictures every now and again. Pictures of men with scruff, dark hair, glasses, hipster style.

Hipsternerds.

My new thing. I identify as a hipster nerd. I love hipsternerd things. Old school video games. Pokemon. I like 8-bit Megaman music. I liked Shin Megami Tensei before Persona 3 hit the market. I play card games that no one has ever heard of. I have seen every episode of the Simpsons. DJ Hero is my jam.

But these pictures, they stir my soul. I just want to hold one of them close. The real person though. Not the visual reproduction. I want to see them wake up, sleepy eyed, morning breath, stubble scratching my face as I kiss him on the cheek.

Maybe then this ache will subside.

Stephen

It's weird to think that you've impacted my life in the way you have in the short time we were romantic.

I love you, hubby.

And if I ever meet your boyfriend, I'll probably punch him.

Michael

I don't know where you are, I don't even really know anything about your current life. But I certainly know that when we met during a third quarter break at the LOLHS @ ZHS football game Fall 2005, neither of us expected our lives to cross again. But they did. Again and again and again.

Knowing what I know now, hindsight is 20/20. We could have made things work, we could have grown up together, grown old together. But I think that despite all the fights, all the tears, all the crazy.

I still look for people who will be my pillows. I still have a weak spot for musicians. I still feel like I should fix my lovers.

But I learned a lot about myself through you. I learned that resilience is key. I learned that it doesn't take much to remind you of someone. I carried that stone, wore that ring, kept your picture in my wallet for so long. I learned that you don't have to like the same things as your partner. And I learned that sometimes you can't fix the other person. Most of all, I learned to walk away.

You broke my heart. But I broke yours, I guess it was only fair. But I learned that you have to keep moving, fighting to hit the light again. And I learned that I needed to learn much about myself before I could ever be with anyone for a long time.

So thank you.

Goodbye and Good Luck.
I hope you're well.

Letters to the Men of My Past

I've been wanting to work on this project a while, picking 5 men who have impacted my life in some way and write a letter to them. The Top 5 Break Ups. High Fidelity Style.

I don't know if I'll let them know. I don't even really know if I'll write their names on them.

But maybe getting it out, putting it somewhere that's not inside me... maybe that will prepare me for the future.

Here goes...

Michael
Stephen
Daniel
David
Chad

Shit happens.

boys boys boys

They say that when it rains it pours and as childish as it seems to want to write about boys, it seems like every time I start talking to a new one, my old weakness comes along and I almost instantly fall for a boy.

Round 1 - A boy from UF messages me and instantly, I don't necessarily find myself attracted to him, but his insistence that I respond to his messages. What started as pushing my buttons and me responding to try to get him to stop, evolved into all day texting. Whether or not I'd like to be with him at all is still up in the air. He's cute, but he's rather inexperienced which makes my mongrel heart worry because of the experience in the past I've had with inexperienced boys. Some cuts will eventually become scars, but those scars are still there as reminders.

Round 2 - Short and sweet, hot and heavy. What seemed like a 24 hour affair has pretty much been that. Message hot guy on sketchy site. Don't expect a response. Get one and that day, I'm in Clearwater in his apartment watching zombies attack humans and making out with him. The naughty artist type with muscles? Yes please. However, start to finish, it kinda went out with a fizzle despite how into me he seemed. We'll see where it develops but I'm not putting my eggs in any basket just yet.

Round 3 - My overwhelming hatred of the idea of dating another fraternity boy keeps causing issues. I meet these boys who inspire me, challenge me, and make me want to be a better person so that mayhaps I can be with them if the distance weren't so great. Knowing that these boys I meet are more stable than the last fraternity boy I was with doesn't help at all that I can't bare to think of what kind of disasters it will cause. That doesn't stop be from being heartbroken when I find out that they may be dating someone and/or recently single. My idealist heart says that if it's meant to happen, something will. My go-getter attitude says make it happen yourself. My brain says, "You're gonna end up hurt."

Round 4 - My desire to not be in love is in constant battle with my desire to hold someone close every night as I fall asleep to wake up next to him in the morning. I'm programmed to want to be in love. I'm blessed to come from a family where my parents are still together which only makes me want it more. Between heart and head, it's enough to make me dizzy. And sadly, I wish it weren't so. I wish that things were easier in this battle. I wish that it weren't either a knock out one way or the other. I'd really like it if my two strongest organs in my body worked it out peacefully.

Maybe one day it'll make sense. Until then, I'll keep listening to the sad songs on the radio and falling in love with the wrong people.

oooohhhh....

This is nice.

Remembering that I have a blog that I doubt anyone reads so I can vent out my frustrations and my feelings and if someone wants to read it they can but I don't have to deal with everyone on my facebook, twitter, or tumblr finding out and trying to get me to talk about how I'm feeling when all I really need is to just get it out of my system. By pouring it out into this cyberspace realm, it gets it out of my system and cleans things out. Like a diet cleanse but for my brain and my soul.

I wish people trusted me more and could see my vision. I know that part of this is that I don't share my vision, but I feel like people should trust me on it. I also am worried about the future of my colony. I just really want it to survive after I'm gone and I'm worried that the people who are in line for leadership don't have the actual leadership experience and understanding to be a president. They're work horses and I'm afraid that they will alienate people who are looking to join the organization. I feel the need to squash that before any change of leadership can occur. I'm also afraid for the future of my schooling. I know I have the drive, but I don't know if I'm actually capable of finishing my thesis in time and getting into a grad school that will give me what I need.

As far as men go, I'm worried that I'll be alone. I know what I want and I know what I like and I know what I'll bend on. Unfortunately, that also means that my pool of dateable men is sinking quickly. I also need to let go of my past. I need to stop texting my exes, I need to stop missing people I shouldn't be missing and I need to move on into the future. I think I'm going to enjoy my single life, much I like I did the summer before college. But at the same time, I have a biological need and a desire to kinda go wild after the end of my last relationship. Keeping my personal, professional, and academic lives all in line is proving stressful.

In the recent years, stress has always been handled by either romance, working out, or eating. And I really have none of the first, should be doing more of the second, and doing a lot less of the third. I'd like to meet people like I met David, by being introduced by a friend. That would just be perfect. David and I clicked really well despite all our bullshit.

I'm doing a lot of inner looking, which is rough and trying, but I'm learning a lot about how I operate in different scenarios. I'm not going to ever be able to confront my fears of things like spiders or snakes, but I certainly can confront my fears of being alone and disappointing people. I really want to work together with people and show them that it's okay to have these fears and issues as long as they don't let them cripple them. I think that working with several people specifically on this will help them a lot. I just feel like I have intense amounts of responsibility without any real way to relax. I pour a lot into other people, but never really have anyone pour back the same attention into me. I know this is my fault for really spreading myself super thin and appearing to be a strong confident man who's got everything together, which is partially true, it's just a facade in the end that really needs to be over. I think that's why I'm really adamant about this coming up business meeting for DLP. I cannot help how people feel about the exercise and I cannot make people realize the importance of breaking down walls and whether or not they think it's conducive to the business of the colony, it's my agenda and I will make an attempt to show people that I'm human and I get overwhelmed and I need support. We'll see.