Fuck It

I usually can't stand talking to my ex because most of the time it's like talking to a brick wall. But tonight, there's definitely hope for him. Essentially, he was supposed to have a mental breakdown a week ago. Working 70-80 hours a week at one job, plus school, and a hectic social life, he's running himself ragged, but he doesn't know that he needs to stop. I told him today that he needs to figure shit out and start deconstructing and setting limits and taking "him" time. He said that he's working on it, but he's trying to plan ahead.

My response was a story of how my love life tends to go.

I date a lot of people. We go out, have dinner, watch a movie, talk. Most of the time, that's where it ends. When a guy comes around who just absolutely blows me away, I dive head first. I just think to myself, fuck your reserves, give him everything and see what happens. Usually, it results in a pint of Chubby Hubby, a romance movie marathon, lots of crying, ending in a stint at the gym that would make most people want to die. Then I get back on the horse and do it again. This "Just fuck it" mentality results in a shitton of pain and heartache. But I'm convinced that when it finally works out, it's going to be fantastic. So I'm waiting.

We'll see what happens. Here's hoping he realizes that there's life to live. And here's hoping I'll find the guy who's gonna give me the little things I want in a relationship. And until then, Ben and Jerry's will continue to thrive as long as Chubby Hubby is produced.

Why I Love Deep V's

It's become a common thing in my circle of friends to talk about me and my deep v's. I mean, hell. It's my url for facebook, this blog, my screenname for twitter. I own one in almost every basic color, all from American Apparel, all in XXS. They are my absolute favorite item in my wardrobe.

But WHY?

Well, to be perfectly honest, I love how they feel on my skin. The soft fabric, the nice stretch over my shoulders and chest. The V shows off my best feature, my neck. When I put on a deep v and look in the mirror, the confident, cocky, strong Tyler comes out. And I wear them with pride.

Find your thing. Maybe it's a watch, a hairstyle, a scarf. Maybe it's silk, spandex, lamé. Maybe it's your glasses. Maybe it's that bag. Whatever it is, get it and bring out your best. Then carry it on.

My Name is Tyler. And I'm a...

I feel like everyone belongs in some sort of 12 step program.

Well, I don't know if 12 steps are really necessary for most addictions. At least the first step. Admitting that you have a problem. We all have a problem with something. Usually more than one. Now I can admit that my biggest issues don't really have an official group, and they don't have any extremely negative consequences. Diet Coke, Trading Cards, TV on DVD.

But my biggest addiction that I've just come to realize existed is the feel of a boy's skin on mine.

Holding, being held. Making out, cuddling. Topping, Bottoming. The skin to skin feel is electrifying. I need it when I'm sad, crave it when I'm happy. It's all I think about most nights when I'm alone. The smell, the feel, the sound of fingers brushing against his skin. It's too much to bare. I'll get it eventually. But even then it's still a never ending desire. I'm a touchy person. Holding hands is amazing. I just hope the guy I'll end up with realizes that. :)

I Put On My Old Winter Coat

I would like a new coat. Granted, it's rather useless in the sunny state of Florida, especially in Orlando. But there's something about coats that make me feel safe. Better than a pair of jeans, a pair of shoes, the video game you've been dying for, that impulse buy that you instinctively go for. With a coat, a jacket, a hoodie, a cardigan, you can hold yourself and for a second or maybe longer, however long you need, and the world is safer, smaller, warmer, and maybe, just maybe, as close to perfect as possible in that moment.

On the show that I tend to refer to whenever I'm upset or confused about life, Grey's Anatomy, Mary McDonnell played Dr. Virginia Dixon, a cardio surgeon with Asperger's Syndrome. When Dr. Miranda Bailey comes up with a creative solution to a girl who needs medication delivered to her constantly to keep her heart running healthily, Dr. Dixon freaks out for lack of a better phrase due to her inability to go beyond her science. She then runs into an office and grabs her exam coat and presses it around her. She states that the pressure suppresses the body's reaction and releases endorphins, making her calm down. Dr. Bailey, and Dr. Christina Yang then proceed to hold her until her shaking and panicking stops.

That's why a hug feels so good when you're having a bad day. But when it's 2 in the morning and you're halfway down your pint of Ben and Jerry's, try a jacket. I have one from an ex, it's a big brown cord jacket, too big for me, I couldn't wear it for a while. But now, it's there. For when I need it. But for now, I'm gonna get started on my ice cream.

Him

So, I met a new guy. He's great. Tall, handsome, sexy, he makes me smile like a idiot, gives me that butterfly feeling.

But I tend to fall fast and my brain gets set on hyperspeed and the next thing I know, I'm all the way on the other end of the rainbow and he's still packing his bags for the trip. And that's assuming he's packing like I do which is about a week in advance. I just tend to be prepared and think very far in advance.

So when he's busy at work, my mind wanders to the dark side. I'm a little needy, it's a weakness. I'm admittedly so. He lives an hour away, but I think it will be good for me. I think the distance, the traveling, the missing him so much sometimes it hurts, it'll all help me grow. I need this. And I want him. So maybe for once I'll get the best of both worlds. There's magic in our time together. When he kisses me, steals the covers, grabs my ass. When I pick him up, feel his tummy growl, listen to his heartbeat. So I need to realize that the magic just doesn't disappear because he's not with me. Because he probably is feeling the same way when he gets a chance to put everything down and think about me. I just have less to do on the weekends.

Songs That Changed My Life

Music is what many of us enjoy while we're driving in the car, studying for a big test, running on the treadmill. Music tells many of us how we're supposed to feel during a TV show, movie, play.

Music has the ability to save us from ourselves.

A few songs that have done this for me.

Wonderful by Gary Go.

This song's chorus asks, no pleads, with the listener to say "I am Wonderful." Growing up as a kid with a mild form of body dismorphia, this is absolutely the hardest thing for me to do most days. I mean, I look in my full length mirror every single day and in the morning, I may pick out one thing that's really good, or tear apart myself piece by piece. It's not healthy. But when I'm running on the treadmill and that song comes on, I just let it all out and go full force, just like they do in the video.

Very Busy People by The Limosines

A silly little diddy with great imagery. "While we masturbate to pixelated videos of strangers fucking themselves" It's full of witting lines like "The Donnie Darko DVD has been repeating for a week/And we know every single word./I got an iPod like a pirate ship/We'll sail the seas with 50,000 songs we've never heard." It makes me remember about what life should be like when we have nothing better to do. We're very busy people, but we're rarely busy when it comes to the important things like meeting new friends and making inside jokes.

You Belong With Me by Taylor Swift

Okay. I'm officially too gay to function. But seriously, can you say story of my life? Multiple instances of exactly what this song talks about. However, I am a firm believer that the song is less about unrequited love and being in love with your best friend, but about surviving everything love throws at you. It hurts, but you're not alone and you'll get through it. T. Swizzle reminds us of that every time she is not interrupted by a douchebag rapper at an awards ceremony.

Dear Mr. Right

Hi, My name is Tyler. But if you're Mr. Right then you already know that. Because we've made a connection without even knowing it. Our souls are touched. You have no idea how much I want to see your face and touch your skin. And that pales in comparison to how much I just want to talk to you and laugh at inside jokes that no one else gets. There's no words for how much I want to get all dressed up to go out to the club and you'll look at me and just pounce on me. I want all my friends to talk about how wonderful we are when they talk about us. And when we talk about each other to our closest confidants, all of our dirty details will be revealed and our friends will be sorry they ever asked. You'll keep me warm when the night cools the earth, and even when the sun bakes the crust of the earth, you'll still want to hold my hand despite how hot and sweaty it'll get. And I'll do the same. You'll laugh even when I make a stupid joke, and you'll poke me when I'm not expecting it. You'll give me silly gifts and gifts that mean something. You'll provide me with all the energy that I forget to reserve for myself. You'll listen to me rant about my studies and eventually become an art historian in your own right. You'll travel with me and my family and I with yours. You'll let me drive everywhere. You'll let me sing at the top of my lungs, even if I don't know the words and I'm off key. Then you'll tell me how amazing I am. And I'll do whatever you want me to do. I'll do everything I can to make you happy. And we'll fight. And we'll cry. And we'll come close to blows and shouting matches. And I'll storm out and ask to be let back in. It'll be the stuff of fairy tales. And it may not last. But it'll be magical for the time being.

Sincerely,
Me. In all my faults. And all my strengths.

Thintensity

It's news to nobody that there is a pressure on anyone old enough to understand size that it's a negative thing to be overweight. Nutritionists and doctors warn us about BMIs and body fat percentages and Dietitians tell us that we aren't getting enough fruits, veggies, meats, grains, and too much fats, sugars, and oils. This coupled with statistics about Obesity, both child and adult lead us all to believe that we must be all slowly dying unless we shape up.

But a few of us have been blessed with a natural slim body. Like me.

However, just because I can eat almost everything I want and not gain an ounce, does not mean that I am not above issues of body dismorphia.

The past few weeks I have been using exercise to move myself from the slump of a post relationship mood of "blah" to motivate myself to become better. To be more desirable, to be more attractive. I think that I'm attractive most days, but I know that I could do better. I work myself til I'm sick or until I can't move because I'm so sore due to lactic acid build up. I go evenings, days, several days without eating if I'm having a fat day or if something comes up, I just won't eat. Unfortunately for me, this isn't healthy.

I'm working on learning to love myself every hour of every day. It's hard work, because especially when I fuck up or feel icky, I am my own worst enemy. But through the love of my friends and family, I'm working on it while still pushing myself to become better, but it's now for the right reasons and in a healthier manner.

Pride

It takes a strong man to admit defeat. It takes a stronger man to vomit after a kick boxing class and walk back in and get his things then tell all of his coworkers how awful an experience it was. I guess I'm a strong individual. But while defeat was faced today while offering my sacrifice to the porcelain altar, I have vowed to go back every single week until I conquer that class.

And maybe talk to the instructor. I totally got the vibe and he's super cute.

The Reason We Have a Heart

Now I'm stepping out on a limb here and talking about the philosophy of a video game that combines possibly one of the greatest video game companies every and the scourge of the earth in my opinion.

Kingdom Hearts - Disney and Square Enix's love child that's combined classic Disney movies and Characters with a compelling storyline and fresh characters that just amazing all who come in contact with the games. If you want to google the storyline or Wiki all the spoilers, feel free. None of it really matters, but if you want to know more about the characters I'll be discussing that's the plan of action you're gonna need to take.

The most recent game takes place between the two major console hits Kingdom Hearts and the aptly titled, Kingdom Hearts 2 and sometime coinciding with the first bridge game for the Game Boy Advance, Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories (which was remade for the PS2 as re:Chain of Memories). It's titled 358/2 Days. Why I can't tell you and I'm about 14 hours into it myself. The game itself focuses on the elusive Organization XIII who are trying to bring Kingdom Hearts (basically a giant heart in the sky where all lost hearts go when they're released by the keyblade, now I'm thinking you really need to know something about the games to understand part of this... shit.) into actuality in order for themselves to gain a heart. But why don't they have a heart you must be asking? Because they are Nobodies. Capital N. Like in Wicked with Animals and animals. Big difference. Nobodies (capital N) are the hollow shells of people who have lost their hearts. Most turn into a generic form called a Dusk (among others if they had stronger hearts) but the strongest keep a form similar to what they were before they became a Nobody. These are the Organization members.

Now the game focuses specifically on Roxas, the 13th member of the Organization and wielder of the keyblade (giant key used as a sword. done.) He's coming into the realization of what life is and what it is to lack a heart as he experiences things like Beast protecting his castle from the Heartless (come on people, use your brain with that one. Evil things) so that he can protect Belle because he loves her, and Phil pushing Hercules to the extreme because Phil has faith in him that he'll be the best there ever was. But what confuses him is that he worries over his friend who's fallen into a coma at one point, and he misses his friend when he's sent away on a long term mission.

So if he can feel emotions like worry and longing, but not love or faith? Well, at first I thought it was just that he remembered those emotions from his past life as a human with a heart. Good thought, right? But as I pondered more and more on the subject, I looked deeper at what was actually happening. Science tells us that emotions are all triggered by chemical reactions in the brain, and even though the game is rated E10+ by the ESRB, I highly doubt that if we want to look at the game more seriously, we can't expect to just accept that all emotions come from the heart.

So why do we have a heart?

I believe we have two hearts. The first one is muscle and kinda ugly and for some reason Christina Yang and my ex were obsessed with it, but it pumps our blood for us and I guess that's pretty important. The second one looks like a Valentine you made for the kid who had a crush on in Elementary, Middle, or High School (or if you're me, college. FML) that you're afraid to give to them for fear of rejection (or that he's straight. again. FML). Just a simple heart shape. You know, <3 ♥ and all that jazz. That kinda rests inside your rib cage spanning your chest. This is the one that starts out all fresh and pretty, then gets ripped through with machine gun fire and you have to put it back together with duct tape, needle and thread, rubber cement and occasionally staples. This is what the Nobodies lack. It's what they seek.

And they seek it because they don't understand joy. Good things happen to them all the time. They succeed at their jobs, they make discoveries, they have things that they like to do. But it doesn't bring them joy. What brings you joy is watching your favorite movie, eating your favorite junk food and not telling your personal trainer that one twinkie, actually was a whole box, and driving too fast with the top down screaming the lyrics to Kelly Clarkson's latest single with the wind blowing through your hair on the way to the best Fro Yo place in the world. Joy's love at first sight, and the magical life that you send yourself through with that person in the next thirty seconds after seeing them for the first time. It's what happens when a cute guy sends you a DM on twitter. Joy is forgetting that there's something to do, somewhere to be, someone to talk to. Joy is realizing that time has stopped and that nothing in the world can make you want to change what you're doing at that very moment.

Joy is what it means to have a heart.

Separation of Church and State

Separation of Church and State is a catch phrase for any social issue that seems to have less groundings in political correctness, but moreso in moral ideals.

Websters defines the three buzz words as follows

Separation - an act or instance of separating or the state of being separated; a place, line, or point of parting

Church -a building for public Christian worship; the Christian faith; a place of public worship of a non-Christian religion

State - the body politic as organized for civil rule and government; the operations or activities of a central civil government

And now to briefly list the issues that fall into this catalog of issues:

Gay marriage
Abortion
Religion in Public Schools
"In God We Trust" on currency

Just a few issues of many others. There's a lot of overlap on some, and a lot of people don't realize a lot of those other problems that may be considered by some to be discrimination against atheists.

I'm not going to harp about gay marriage, not going to list the reasons I feel abortions should be legal, not going to advocate making set curricula for public schools to eliminate discussion on Creationism/Intelligent Design/Evolution in any way shape or form, or to demand a recall of all currency and a reprinting of every bill and coin in the country. I'm here to discuss the reason behind the concept, the origins in the most basic of sense, and why we'll never get rid of it under the current constitution.

Something that people have to remember from 5th grade history is that the Puritans came over to the new world for religious freedom. They were an extremist sect of the Protestant church who were being persecuted by the Church of England. When the King has one religion, you better agree or else. But they decided that they didn't want to and took the steps to make a change in their lives, despite the risks because they were unhappy. (What a concept America...) These were the ancestors of our founders, of the people who decided that they were royally pissed off enough at the motherland to call up the people that England hated the most and ask them to help them fight off the Red Coats and finally win their independence and create their own country free of monarchy. So the point of that is, the United States were founded by a group of people with religious singularity.

So what does that mean? There's no concept of separation or unification there, right? Wrong.

By having like minded people, they were bound to have issues arise where people would agree on the moral code as to which they would deal with those issues. Oh, Billy stole Mary's goat? Thou shalt not steal Billy. God said so. Billy gets put in jail. End of story. Now most people think stealing is wrong. But that's because we've learned that it's wrong because social contract says that. But where did the social contract get a majority of its foundation? Religion. A separation of church and state is essentially impossible right now because we have set a majority of our laws and social rules in alignment with religious views. When you combine all these things together, it sets a precedent for future generations and lawmakers to look to long set traditional guidelines for their personal moral codes, thus affecting modern issues like gay marriage and abortion that never came around during ancient times.

It may never be legal for me to marry my Prince Charming and it may never become politically and ethically sound for a girl to get an abortion if she feels like she can't care for the child. At least under the current ideas. We're just a little under 225 years old and we're already running our country into a social hole. Who would have thought that a concept as amazing and widespread and *gasp* progressive as universal healthcare would have seemed so dangerous to many people? We're so afraid of communism and socialism that McCarthyism is becoming a whole new disaster in a new time and it's dangerous. We're terrified of Hitler and fascism, but we're headed that path. If we want to continue as a democracy, we need to move more left in our political climate or we're going to become the next great fascist country and we're gonna be fucked.

Time for a Revolution.

Purpose

Musing over the past few days about the things that happen to me and the problem of me beginning to internalize them and stewing and then when they come out, it's a bit explosive.

So I started this blog. We'll see how this develops over the next few weeks. There won't be many updates about my life, that's what Twitter and Facebook are for. But the point of this is for me to post things that I feel like saying but I may not have anyone to say them to specifically.

It'll be interesting. I'm excited.