Internal Monologue

The Devil Inside

2011-05-30T00:06:00.003-04:00

I don't like to think of myself as an angry person. I'm generally carefree and outgoing. Snarky and sarcastic yes, but that's only mean if I do it in a negative manner. No... I'm definitely becoming an angrier person.

Could it be the testosterone that I've kick started again by hitting the gym regularly? Or maybe it's the fact that I'm anxious and energetic to get things done and cross them off my to do list? I'd like to think it's a little of both with a little sexual frustration on the side (an unfortunate side effect of the testosterone).

I'd feel worse though if I didn't feel it was justified.

And boy... do I feel like it's justified.

Dreams

2011-05-22T22:26:00.003-04:00

I dream of making forts with our mattress under our kitchen table, using candles as light, making love for hours on the bare bed. I dream of the smell of your skin after a day of life entering my nose like aromatherapy as I hold you close, your shoulder under my chin.

I fantasize about our sex, sensual and passionate, fun and exciting. Your prickly stubble scratching my face and body as you kiss me from my head to my feet, seemingly covering every inch of skin exposed to the world. Your kisses heal my cuts and scrapes, physical and emotional, brought on my my clumsiness and fragile spirit. You remind me that I am beautiful and that all you want is to wake up in my arms.

I dream that you have a new name. I never have to use words to call you to me. It's merely a thought, a gesture of the mind that pulls you to my side where you can hold my hand and squeeze just gently enough so that I feel my ring press against my middle and last fingers. The ring that you gave me when you told me that you never wanted to look into anyone's eyes other than mine ever again. Our world is magical under our table. In our fort. Where the candle wax drips over the edges of small plates we use to catch the drops that fall like rain on a dreary day. Where the mattress slips and resists, like a hedgehog's spines or my hair after I buzz it. Where we have to move slowly, not only for the safety of our skulls, but because every moment we reside in our castle is not enough for us.

Because when you call me close to you so that I can squeeze your hand, you feel that same pressure on your two fingers from the ring I gave to you when I said:

I want to share my castle walls with you until the day I die.

I wrote him a letter

2011-05-22T12:22:00.003-04:00

So I wrote Chad a letter outlining how I felt and what has been going on in my life and basically saying I hope you're well and I'm sorry.

At least that was the first page...

The next two pages basically go on and on about how much I was hurt by what happened between us and what I've been doing in the romantic sector of my life since. Which is basically feeling lonely, crying, and sleeping with my stuffed Raccoon Zoidburg that he bought me. I literally go back and forth from wanting to get the next set of tickets to Canton-Akron Airport and calling his roommate and having him take me to their apartment so I can apologize face to face and just see him one more time to hating myself for writing the letter and being hung up on him when he seriously hurt me. My friends definitely fall into two camps, Camp He's an Asshole and Camp He's the Love of Your Life. But I know that both camps just want me to be happy and honestly, I'm not sure which will make me happier. Things got so heavy so quickly with us and it was amazing and romantic and fairy tale and great. But if he does want to talk to me after he reads the letter, (if he reads the letter which I hope to God he does) we're gonna have to have a long talk about setting guidelines and boundaries and maybe him getting a laptop so we can talk to each other face to face once in a while instead of only on the phone. We'll have to do skype dates and see each other regularly and talk about plans and what's going to happen and work incredibly hard to not repeat the mistakes of round 1. It's been four months since we broke up, so we're coming up on 2 months away from the actual length of our relationship. I should be trying to get back out there if things were resolved, if I honestly was ready to move on. But I can't. Talking to other guys bores me and doesn't excite me sexually and honestly the only guys I tend to like talking to are guys that look like Chad. It's kinda a problem. Granted I do have a time, but seriously? I think I should probably vary a little bit in tastes...

But who knows. Maybe I'll get my movie script ending. Or maybe life will go on.

Oh, Nostalgia. You fuckin' cunthole.

2011-05-17T09:34:00.002-04:00

Recently, I've been focusing on positivity. Trying to keep a good attitude, eyes forward, shoulders back. You know that kinda thing. Putting the past behind me is something I'm just not good at. I have a killer memory and I study art history. Emphasis on the HISTORY part of that. But somethings I just don't want to remember. Like how happy I was with my ex.

Chad was an amazing boyfriend, but every day since we broke up I wonder just a little bit about what I did to him and what he did to me and what it would be like if we were still together. I mean, I can still do things that we used to do together. I can go to IKEA, I can eat Hummus House, I can play Castlevania games. All those things that used to make me think of him don't really have that effect anymore. It's the things now that didn't remind me of him that are starting to get to me. Of the last week I've been at the gym, I've been hit with these waves of nostalgia for him like waves of nausea and literally today I almost wanted to throw up.

I just don't understand it honestly. I'm ready to move forward with my life, solo or with someone else. I'm open for discussion on that topic. I'm looking forward to my summer of Grad School Prep. I'm beyond excited for the opportunities that lay ahead of me and the multitude of paths that lay in front of me excite the living shit out of me. I could be in Minnesota, Columbus, Ann Arbor, Chicago, Bloomington, Philadelphia, State College, anywhere it seems sometimes. I'm so ready for the next chapter in my life that it hurts. But how can I move into that fully when some part of me still clings to the past and that relationship specifically.

I was in love with him. I still love him. And part of it probably is because it was a phone call and not face to face. Part of it is probably because I left him in a really hard part of his life and I feel guilty. Part of it is that he deleted me off of facebook, which sounds juvenile but it's about control and how I had no say in the apparent severing of our ties. Maybe I should just let it be; let this cycle of my emotional wheel roll around until I get to the next part. But I don't want it to just come back around again and have it hit harder the next time and I don't want to ignore it and pretend it doesn't happen. The summer is hard because my friends aren't here. I don't have a structure. I don't have the multitudes of people to get lost in and lose myself for just a moment. I'm stuck in my world, just me and my inner self. I'm a shell with a hurricane inside and I'm just ready to let it go, but I'm not sure if I am ready to pick up the destruction.

At least writing about it helps a little.

Visual Literacy

2011-05-05T22:53:00.002-04:00

I can't help but look at pictures every now and again. Pictures of men with scruff, dark hair, glasses, hipster style.

Hipsternerds.

My new thing. I identify as a hipster nerd. I love hipsternerd things. Old school video games. Pokemon. I like 8-bit Megaman music. I liked Shin Megami Tensei before Persona 3 hit the market. I play card games that no one has ever heard of. I have seen every episode of the Simpsons. DJ Hero is my jam.

But these pictures, they stir my soul. I just want to hold one of them close. The real person though. Not the visual reproduction. I want to see them wake up, sleepy eyed, morning breath, stubble scratching my face as I kiss him on the cheek.

Maybe then this ache will subside.

Stephen

2011-05-05T22:52:00.001-04:00

It's weird to think that you've impacted my life in the way you have in the short time we were romantic.

I love you, hubby.

And if I ever meet your boyfriend, I'll probably punch him.

Michael

2011-04-22T00:27:00.002-04:00

I don't know where you are, I don't even really know anything about your current life. But I certainly know that when we met during a third quarter break at the LOLHS @ ZHS football game Fall 2005, neither of us expected our lives to cross again. But they did. Again and again and again.

Knowing what I know now, hindsight is 20/20. We could have made things work, we could have grown up together, grown old together. But I think that despite all the fights, all the tears, all the crazy.

I still look for people who will be my pillows. I still have a weak spot for musicians. I still feel like I should fix my lovers.

But I learned a lot about myself through you. I learned that resilience is key. I learned that it doesn't take much to remind you of someone. I carried that stone, wore that ring, kept your picture in my wallet for so long. I learned that you don't have to like the same things as your partner. And I learned that sometimes you can't fix the other person. Most of all, I learned to walk away.

You broke my heart. But I broke yours, I guess it was only fair. But I learned that you have to keep moving, fighting to hit the light again. And I learned that I needed to learn much about myself before I could ever be with anyone for a long time.

So thank you.

Goodbye and Good Luck.
I hope you're well.

Letters to the Men of My Past

2011-04-21T00:20:00.002-04:00

I've been wanting to work on this project a while, picking 5 men who have impacted my life in some way and write a letter to them. The Top 5 Break Ups. High Fidelity Style.

I don't know if I'll let them know. I don't even really know if I'll write their names on them.

But maybe getting it out, putting it somewhere that's not inside me... maybe that will prepare me for the future.

Here goes...

Michael
Stephen
Daniel
David
Chad

Shit happens.

boys boys boys

2011-03-17T00:57:00.003-04:00

They say that when it rains it pours and as childish as it seems to want to write about boys, it seems like every time I start talking to a new one, my old weakness comes along and I almost instantly fall for a boy.

Round 1 - A boy from UF messages me and instantly, I don't necessarily find myself attracted to him, but his insistence that I respond to his messages. What started as pushing my buttons and me responding to try to get him to stop, evolved into all day texting. Whether or not I'd like to be with him at all is still up in the air. He's cute, but he's rather inexperienced which makes my mongrel heart worry because of the experience in the past I've had with inexperienced boys. Some cuts will eventually become scars, but those scars are still there as reminders.

Round 2 - Short and sweet, hot and heavy. What seemed like a 24 hour affair has pretty much been that. Message hot guy on sketchy site. Don't expect a response. Get one and that day, I'm in Clearwater in his apartment watching zombies attack humans and making out with him. The naughty artist type with muscles? Yes please. However, start to finish, it kinda went out with a fizzle despite how into me he seemed. We'll see where it develops but I'm not putting my eggs in any basket just yet.

Round 3 - My overwhelming hatred of the idea of dating another fraternity boy keeps causing issues. I meet these boys who inspire me, challenge me, and make me want to be a better person so that mayhaps I can be with them if the distance weren't so great. Knowing that these boys I meet are more stable than the last fraternity boy I was with doesn't help at all that I can't bare to think of what kind of disasters it will cause. That doesn't stop be from being heartbroken when I find out that they may be dating someone and/or recently single. My idealist heart says that if it's meant to happen, something will. My go-getter attitude says make it happen yourself. My brain says, "You're gonna end up hurt."

Round 4 - My desire to not be in love is in constant battle with my desire to hold someone close every night as I fall asleep to wake up next to him in the morning. I'm programmed to want to be in love. I'm blessed to come from a family where my parents are still together which only makes me want it more. Between heart and head, it's enough to make me dizzy. And sadly, I wish it weren't so. I wish that things were easier in this battle. I wish that it weren't either a knock out one way or the other. I'd really like it if my two strongest organs in my body worked it out peacefully.

Maybe one day it'll make sense. Until then, I'll keep listening to the sad songs on the radio and falling in love with the wrong people.

oooohhhh....

2011-03-12T18:57:00.002-05:00

This is nice.

Remembering that I have a blog that I doubt anyone reads so I can vent out my frustrations and my feelings and if someone wants to read it they can but I don't have to deal with everyone on my facebook, twitter, or tumblr finding out and trying to get me to talk about how I'm feeling when all I really need is to just get it out of my system. By pouring it out into this cyberspace realm, it gets it out of my system and cleans things out. Like a diet cleanse but for my brain and my soul.

I wish people trusted me more and could see my vision. I know that part of this is that I don't share my vision, but I feel like people should trust me on it. I also am worried about the future of my colony. I just really want it to survive after I'm gone and I'm worried that the people who are in line for leadership don't have the actual leadership experience and understanding to be a president. They're work horses and I'm afraid that they will alienate people who are looking to join the organization. I feel the need to squash that before any change of leadership can occur. I'm also afraid for the future of my schooling. I know I have the drive, but I don't know if I'm actually capable of finishing my thesis in time and getting into a grad school that will give me what I need.

As far as men go, I'm worried that I'll be alone. I know what I want and I know what I like and I know what I'll bend on. Unfortunately, that also means that my pool of dateable men is sinking quickly. I also need to let go of my past. I need to stop texting my exes, I need to stop missing people I shouldn't be missing and I need to move on into the future. I think I'm going to enjoy my single life, much I like I did the summer before college. But at the same time, I have a biological need and a desire to kinda go wild after the end of my last relationship. Keeping my personal, professional, and academic lives all in line is proving stressful.

In the recent years, stress has always been handled by either romance, working out, or eating. And I really have none of the first, should be doing more of the second, and doing a lot less of the third. I'd like to meet people like I met David, by being introduced by a friend. That would just be perfect. David and I clicked really well despite all our bullshit.

I'm doing a lot of inner looking, which is rough and trying, but I'm learning a lot about how I operate in different scenarios. I'm not going to ever be able to confront my fears of things like spiders or snakes, but I certainly can confront my fears of being alone and disappointing people. I really want to work together with people and show them that it's okay to have these fears and issues as long as they don't let them cripple them. I think that working with several people specifically on this will help them a lot. I just feel like I have intense amounts of responsibility without any real way to relax. I pour a lot into other people, but never really have anyone pour back the same attention into me. I know this is my fault for really spreading myself super thin and appearing to be a strong confident man who's got everything together, which is partially true, it's just a facade in the end that really needs to be over. I think that's why I'm really adamant about this coming up business meeting for DLP. I cannot help how people feel about the exercise and I cannot make people realize the importance of breaking down walls and whether or not they think it's conducive to the business of the colony, it's my agenda and I will make an attempt to show people that I'm human and I get overwhelmed and I need support. We'll see.

The Problem of History

2010-07-10T23:05:00.002-04:00

History is doomed to repeat itself. Or so we're told.

But is recently in a discussion of film realism involving post-WWII combat films, my professor used the term "History with a capital H." Now I've read Wicked where there is a difference between Animals and animals, where Animals had elevated to a heightened state of being (think the Cowardly Lion). I've also had discussions on the difference between art and Art and how perception forces things into different categories with the same name.

So history and History should be no different, right? But here's the problem. History with a capital H speaks to the higher concept. What really happened and when. History with a lowercase h is defined individually, by society, teachers, and our own interpretation of ideas and events as we experience them. So because we are human, History is never perceptible to anyone. Because no matter how we experience or hear about an event, there is a filter on it. This filter is either our personal experience of said event, how we discuss the event with someone who saw it, or how we're exposed to the event through secondary, tertiary, or further diluted sources and how we react to these sources. The power behind this extension of the theory that "Perception is Reality" means that History is impossible.

So think about it. This BP oil spill, the 9/11 disaster, the War on Terror, Bush v Gore, The Vietnam War, The Civil War, The Revolutionary War, The French Revolution, The Fall of Rome, Adam and Eve. Did any of that really happen the way we think it did? How do we react to this kind of realization that your interpretation of this blog changes your history, when the actual History of it is unknown to any of us? No matter what, I think the bottom line is that we should respect History with the utmost care, because it is the one thing on this earth, that no matter what you believe, you will never understand.

The Gays are Fucking EVERYTHING Up

2010-07-04T22:58:00.002-04:00

Recently, I've been exploring the concept of tradition in my time to myself. (Not that there's been much of it, but still.) Traditions have different meanings to every one of us, and by its very nature holds very little concrete substance in this facet. However, the abstract value is ingrained into everyone their entire life. And not just by their family, but in almost every level and layer of social interaction. I mean, who didn't sit around at Recess right after winter break listening to everyone's stories of what they ate, who got what presents for Christmas and when they got to open said presents?

So flash forward to your young adult or adult life. You're single, miserable, and friends with a lot of couples. Okay, maybe you're not, but I am. So talking with one couple, you make a joke about joining their relationship. A stunned silence followed by contemplative looks. This ultimately is followed up by logistical thoughts of what that would be like and half-joking statements of how weird it would be.

Okay, so that's alright. But let's take a look at gay culture and relationships and the human element for a tiny bit. *Disclaimer* If you know nothing, or don't wish to know anything about Male/Male sex or Male/Male/Male sex, I'd stop reading yesterday. *END Disclaimer*

So gays sexually come in somewhere on a spectrum. Think of a number line going from -5 to +5. Now replace those numbers with the labels bottom and top and instead of zero, you get versatile (or vers). Now ideally, you'd somehow find a partner who has a number that is the opposite of yours, or in my case, another zero. But emotions kinda fuck the logic of that up. I could find a guy who is perfectly in touch with me sexually (which will NEVER happen) but as long as I don't like him, it will never work out. So now what? Well, then let's look at the opposite. I fall in love with someone who's a total top. Like no "what what in the butt" at all. So I may be emotionally satisfied, but I will never be sexually fulfilled. So what do you tell him? "SHut the fuck up and take my dick?" No. But let's say that we both find someone who's a total bottom and we're equally physically and sexually attracted to that person and vice versa. What now?

This is an ideal and very simplified example. But tradition tells us that this relationship which works out perfectly is wrong. But if all people in a relationship are happy, why should there not be a third? The mormons weren't completely off their rockers. They kinda knew what they were doing. I think that me and a person I can think of almost instictively decided that we somehow were going to make our relationship work, and we had a friend who would come over for play every now and then when I needed a little something else in bed, no strings attached, I could feel that. But who knows how I'd feel down the line. Sex does weird ass things to our brain chemistry. It connects people in brand new ways, and creates things that bring scent, touch, and all of our other senses to new levels when we create that kind of physical connection.

So in the end, tradition has it's merits and even a couple roots in biology. But I think that if homosexuals want to prove that they aren't going to be stifled into the curse of heteronormativeness by force of society, they need to be able to accept the possibilities of three person relationships or having a third in to maintain a healthy and productive sex life. And in the end, how many marriages fall apart because the sex starts to suck? A lot. And the gays have got to prove that they can do marriage better than the breeders if they want to keep it.

SWGM - 20yo Athletic Build Seeks Something New

2010-06-21T12:23:00.002-04:00

I'm looking for a person. Someone who's just mine for a time. If we fall for each other or what not, great. If he meets the man of his dreams, I'm okay with that. If I meet the man of my dreams, he'll be okay with that. We'll just stay friends. Not an open relationship per se, just someone who's mine for this period of time. Boyfriends are messy and haven't worked out for me in the past. So I'm going a different direction.

Who's gonna go down this road with me?

Will it be you?

Reflections

2010-06-07T22:03:00.003-04:00

The mirror is a surface that fascinates almost everyone. From Alice to Vampires, the reflective glass of a mirror has been ingrained into our culture. We love looking in them to admire our bodies or pick our bodies apart piece by piece and talk about what we don't like like Regina George and the Plastics. Mirrors are sources of bad fortune and fortune telling. But a physical mirror has only a slight effect compared to the cultural mirrors we look into every day.

I was listening to Pomplamousse's cover of Single Ladies by Beyonce. It's completely different from the original and I absolutely love the quirkiness of it. Just like Gary Go's cover of Lady Gaga's Just Dance took a catchy "made-for-radio-and-clubs" song and turned it into a beautiful piano ballad, Pomplamousse took a song that had tons of cultural baggage (The video, the dance, Glee, the Kanye scandal, and all the YouTube videos of people doing the dance) and turned it on its head. Thinking about all this in between sets of leg presses, I realized how much of a cultural nightmare gay culture is.

I have many friends who know the Single Ladies dance and many friends who learn Lady Gaga's choreography from her videos. And that's fine. But I find myself aggravated when that becomes the identity of a young gay man. We are always fighting to prove ourselves to the world that we are more than what society wants us to be.

Sexual misfits. Culture Hounds. Weak and overly feminine. Negatively subversive.

But in reality, I think that we are our own people. Just like everyone else is, no matter what subculture or mainstream culture you find yourself participating in. So dance your own dance, sing songs your own way, be your own person.

When you look in your mirror, what do you see? And look not in the mirror, but through to mirror to borrow a phrase. If you look at yourself and see more of other people and things than yourself, I think it's time to stop hiding yourself behind what the world expects of you and start defining yourself beyond it.

Questions that Matter

2010-05-25T18:56:00.002-04:00

I just watched the Inside the Actors' Studio with the cast of Family Guy and realized how amazing these questions were. I mean, I've watched more IAS episodes than most people will admit, but it took this episode watching these people talk about how much they love their job and their workers to inspire me to finally take a look at James Lipton's questions and answer them myself.

1. What is your favorite word?
"Consequently." It constantly reminds me that things have constantly come from other things and will always lead to other things and we have to follow it along and enjoy the ride.

2. What is your least favorite word?
"Stop." Never tell me to stop, especially when I'm doing something I love, which is almost always what I'm doing.

3. What turns you on?
A challenge. I'm very hyper-competitive.

4. What turns you off?
Wishy-washiness. Go for what you want to do and don't let anything stand in your way.

5. What sound do you love?
The sound of pens scratching on paper. Writing on paper is a lost art and a beautiful sound of human power and creation.

6. What sound do you hate?
Hissing. Snakes are evil.

7. What is your favorite curse word?
"Fuckballs." It's just awesome.

8. What profession other than yours would you like to attempt?
I'd love to be a writer. Probably magazine or literary journals.

9. What profession would you not like to do?
I could never be a vet. I'm terrified of a lot of animals and those I'm not scared of, I'd never forgive myself if a pet died of my accord or misjudgment.

10. If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates?
Despite the fact that you are gay, you lived with all your heart. Just like my son. Well done.

Life in the Big City

2010-05-23T21:36:00.002-04:00

Living in Orlando has taught me a couple of things about suburban living. Mainly that I hate it. The idle chit chat at the Target checkout, the sanitized life of the housewife/Soccer Mom/PTA Superstar, and the endless string of chain restaurants. It took a chance to slip out of the suburban hell I had been trapped in to realize how much I felt stifled by City Beautiful.

I don't mean to sound ungrateful or negative. My life here is good. I love my friends and job and scholastic life. The weather leaves something to be desired, but this is a chapter in my life that I've enjoyed for the time being. But as I traveled to two new cities and walked through the streets of Minneapolis and Philadelphia and traveled on trains, subways, and buses, I felt refreshed.

To me, being myself is something I have always believed in. In Suburban living, I have always felt like that needs to be squashed. If you're going to deviate from the norm in any way, you have to then take that stereotype and fit it to a T. In a city, you can be anything you want. And I don't want a city like New York City or Los Angeles, I love a city with a character, not a fantasy. Minneapolis, Philadelphia, Chicago, Nashville, or Indianapolis feel much more my style. These five cities that I've visited in my life are places that as soon as I've stepped out on the street, I've held my head up high and marched ahead. I've dodged cars, ran across streets, hopped a train, eaten at local eateries, taken short cuts, and talked to people I've never met.

Life in cities like that makes me feel lighter, healthier, and more like myself. That's what I need.

Living in My Head

2010-03-30T20:33:00.002-04:00

I have always been one to live in my head. I mean, I'm wonderful with people. I LOVE people. But inside my head has been this world of magic and wonder, or at least fantasy.

At night, I fall victim to it the worst. I sit in my thoughts and think of the breath of an unknown lover on my neck as he wraps his arms around me. I sit and wonder what it would be like to wake up next to him. I think about how his chest feels against my back. Sometimes he's got a little tussle of chest hair, sometimes he doesn't. Sometimes he's blonde, brunette. Always light eyes though. The irony in that is I've never had a boyfriend since coming to college with bright eyes. Always a deep brown.

I've been married more times than a Mormon in my mind, with hundreds of honeymoons. I've got houses in over half the country and a few other countries besides. I've lived in apartments, in houses, in cities, and in the country. I've had dogs, cats, rabbits, and even a raccoon.

I spend a lot of time up in my noggin. But I think it helps me realize that I don't really know exactly what I want. If I knew what I wanted, the little details would never change. So I'm waiting for the next guy who surprises me. Makes me feel something special that I haven't felt yet. It'll happen eventually. Who knows... Maybe one day I will have that 3 Bedroom in a quaint college town with a backyard and a pet raccoon.

esc

2010-03-16T21:17:00.002-04:00

We all need an escape button.

But we need to find healthy ways of hitting that button. Not through substance abuse or sexual promiscuity or binge eating or stress shopping. But something that works more naturally. I took my method of escape from Legally Blonde. "Exercise releases endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don't kill their husbands." Now I don't have a husband (though I wish I did) and I still have urges to kill some people. (I mean, I can't get along with everyone.)

What I do have is a refreshed sense of self, and an opportunity to get away from things and count to 8, wait a minute. Count to 8 again. Wait another minute. Count to 8. Switch. It brings rhythm to a highly irregular life that often has very stressful passages.

Find your esc button. And when you can't take it: Press esc. Release tension.

If Life Were Like Pokémon

2010-03-16T01:15:00.002-04:00

One of my favorite things about Pokémon is that I can figure things out. A Geodude uses Rollout which has a base power of 30 after it uses Defense Curl so it doubles. Same Type Attack Boost makes it 1.5x stronger and it's special effective x4 against a Bug/Flying Butterfree. 30 becomes 60 then 90 then 360 and that doubles every turn Rollout hits.

If life were like the Pokémon games, sure there'd be crazy little things runnin' around like Rattatas and Caterpies and there'd be hunts for giants like Lugia and people would be flying around on their Fearows and riding from town to town on their Stantlers. But things would follow rules. Ground will never be hurt by an Electric attack and Spiritomb will never have a weakness unless Foresight's used by a Machoke. There are things that are easy to figure out.

But in the end, life isn't like Pokémon. And as awesome as it would be to major in Double Battle Combinations with a minor in Self-Damaging Move studies, there's something to be said for the fact that life doesn't have as many rules it has to follow. It gives things like me telling a guy who's completely out of my league that I like him a chance to work.

And maybe I picked the wrong starter with this particular situation. But it might make things easier in the future. The only way to know is to go for it.

Though, maybe catching all the communicable diseases you can is not the best idea.

I Like You

2010-03-11T16:07:00.002-05:00

You should never give the boy you like a flower.
Flowers bloom once, then fade away.

You should never give the boy you like a ring.
Rings get dirty and are never the same.

You should never give the boy you like candy.
Because it might be sweeter than you.

You should never give the boy you like cologne.
There's nothing nicer than his smell.

You should never give the boy you like a stuffed animal.
Because it might keep them warmer than you.

You should never give the boy you like a kiss.
Kisses can come from many others.

What can you give the boy you like?
The chance to become the boy you love.

Grades

2010-02-24T11:21:00.004-05:00

Today, I had a serious talk with my classmate from my French class who is worried about the fact that he has a 81 B in the class. My retort was simply, "Have you learned anything?" He replied, "Yeah, but I want an A."

Ever since we were little, we've been told that grades are important. The letters that we received 4 times a year determined who we were. "A" Students were smart, stuck-up, losers, or brownnosers. "F" Students didn't care, were stupid, or rebelled against the establishment. "C" Students were average (which was a negative thing), uninspired, and apathetic. But what I've realized to be more and more true is that the people who care so much about these grades are more than just the people who made A's their whole life and would die if they got a C. They're people who don't value what they're learning.

Many people see education as a means to an end. One must get their Bachelor's of Science degree to have anything meaningful in life. Or if you're a hippie liberal, you need your Master's of the Arts. But in order to do that, you need the grades. Granted, they're important. Your GPA is a initial indicator of your promise as a student. But I think what matters more is the fact that you're learning and that you apply what you're learning to your life, your career, and your personal growth.

I challenge people to think beyond their grades. Do your best and learn. That's the most important thing of all. As long as you are satisfied with yourself, there is nothing else in the world that matters.

After all, A is just a letter. You are SO much more than that.

Valentine's Day

2010-02-08T22:22:00.002-05:00

This time last year, I was spoiled rotten. I had an amazing boyfriend who I thought the world of, things were great. He came over at night and we cuddled and fell asleep together and I couldn't imagine the world without him.

Then two short weeks after Valentine's Day, he had a crisis of faith and left me, saying that he could not carry on his current lifestyle and still remain true to his Christianity and his relationship with Christ. All that said in a 5 page text message.

So this year, I had pretty much resolved myself to a Sunday of sitting in bed, eating gamble chocolates and eating ice cream and watching The Notebook, Dirty Love, The Sweetest Thing, and The Holiday. And if I didn't hate myself enough by the end of that run, there's always Brokeback Mountain, and I'm pretty sure I could have found several others at Target that I could have picked up.

But I decided not to let that happen.

So I asked this guy out.

Actually, I asked him to be my Valentine, because that makes it infinitely better in some weird way. And he said yes. Which totally blew me away. Made me want to kiss him, which isn't exactly new, but hell, in that moment, that's all I wanted to do. I guess I have to buy him dinner first but what the hell. Anyways, I have a Valentine now, though we're actually going out Saturday night and I'm going to an Anti-V-Day thing with my best friend, but still.

I like him though. He's complicated. Challenges me, but in the right ways. He's fucking adorable. Doesn't like labels. He's easy to talk to, nice to hug. I like his vibe. He's the relaxed chill personality to my off-the-walls-everywhere-and-then-some-at-the-same-time personality.

I'm looking forward to what the future will hold. With any luck, it'll be me holding him.

*Knock on wood*

Just My Luck

2010-01-28T20:16:00.002-05:00

The conceptualization of "luck" often times relates back to some other cosmic force that is just as convoluted and decidedly just as funky. Funky may not be the right word for it, but it leaves about the same effect on my tongue as the words "Your luck will turn around" leaves on my ears. Just an uneasy feeling of eye rolling and the inevitable dragging of the feet to the nearest form of stress relief.

Luck gets thrown around a lot with karma or time or even religion depending on who you talk to. People believe there's no such thing as luck. Others believe purely in it and rely solely on it. Personally, I think that there's gotta be something in it. Honestly, if you've got the luck like I do, especially in the department of relationships, you absolutely have to. But it is balanced out by the success I've had in school, which is counterbalanced yet again by my infernal circumstances in the vehicle department. I've lucked out a number of times though in areas like money, work, and friendship.

But really, does everything have to balance out that I maybe have one or two guys I find a year worth my time? And it's less that I'm picky and rather mature for my age, but more that while there may be diamonds in the rough in the area, their still far enough in the rough that no amount of polishing is going to get them to an acceptable level to where I'm not burdened by the relationship in some form or another.

I'd say that easily the hardest concept behind luck is that there's nothing you can do about it. I hate feeling helpless and it often results in a blinding rage that makes me want to run until the muscles in my legs have given everything they have and I simply collapse. If it happens like that, then I simply have no energy to try to change things and I can simply be carried away on the whims of the world. Sadly, that feeling never lasts for long and I'm back to looking for the needle in the gigantic haystack. (Honestly, I'd prefer that to what it really is, which is most likely vice versa. How's that for a Midwestern boy? I'd love to roll around in a haystack. I might even forget to look for the needle after a while.)

It's a new year, we're almost a twelveth of the way through it and I think I may have found something worth holding onto. Whether he's the piece of hay in my current needlestack or just a shiny gold needle, it's definitely nice to remember what it's like to be infatuated with someone.

Pillow Talk

2010-01-21T00:15:00.002-05:00

I was telling someone recently about how terrible I am as a bedmate. I toss and turn and snore and drool on occasion. Plus I'm the loudest breather on the face of the earth. It's gotta be bad when multiple people a day have asked me if I have a deviated septum. Also my bed is a Twin XL. Which is fine and dandy for me, but anyone else joining me is probably going to be a little cramped.

But despite all those issues, in my last two relationships, my boyfriend slept over a minimum of 4 nights a week.

So what is it? Is it our desire to have company at our most vulnerable times, thus making us safer? Is it the security of knowing he's right there and that he cares enough about me to put up with all the shit I put him through while he's unconscious? Or maybe it's just the plain fact that it's nice to fall asleep with someone and wake up with someone.

I'd like to think that it's some combination of want, need, and desire that gives us a sort of pleasure, safety, and triumph. There's something about going back to bed after a terrible night's sleep next to someone for the first time, but the pillows still smell like him. And slowly all the memories of the night before flood back and carry you off into the land of dreams.

The words. The looks. The kisses. The touches. The licks to the face. The nudges in the groin. The loss of sensation in your arm. It all makes the torture of the night before worthwhile. And even more than that, it makes the next night not come soon enough.

Why Martinis are Better Than Your Drink

2010-01-20T00:52:00.002-05:00

Call me a stereotypical queer, but I LOVE a good martini. Whether it's the sophisticated nature of lifting the glass after making a poignant argument in a discussion or to maximize vodka consumption by eliminating ice and non-alcoholic mixers, a martini is always in style.

I'm a bit of a purist. Recently I was having a discussion about food and why the culinary world seems almost entirely split down the middle. On one hand, there's a movement towards complicated flavor profiles that no one had ever thought of and cross culinary fusion. The other hand, there's a simplicity and a clean finish. I'm definitely drawn to the clean side of the movement.

In a world where things are often murky and the world is full of grey ethical issues and moral standards, the clear liquor in my crystal glass that requires balance and skill to drink from is my looking glass, everything is brighter, less hazy, more straightforward.

Or maybe it's just the booze.

Fuck It

2009-11-15T02:22:00.002-05:00

I usually can't stand talking to my ex because most of the time it's like talking to a brick wall. But tonight, there's definitely hope for him. Essentially, he was supposed to have a mental breakdown a week ago. Working 70-80 hours a week at one job, plus school, and a hectic social life, he's running himself ragged, but he doesn't know that he needs to stop. I told him today that he needs to figure shit out and start deconstructing and setting limits and taking "him" time. He said that he's working on it, but he's trying to plan ahead.

My response was a story of how my love life tends to go.

I date a lot of people. We go out, have dinner, watch a movie, talk. Most of the time, that's where it ends. When a guy comes around who just absolutely blows me away, I dive head first. I just think to myself, fuck your reserves, give him everything and see what happens. Usually, it results in a pint of Chubby Hubby, a romance movie marathon, lots of crying, ending in a stint at the gym that would make most people want to die. Then I get back on the horse and do it again. This "Just fuck it" mentality results in a shitton of pain and heartache. But I'm convinced that when it finally works out, it's going to be fantastic. So I'm waiting.

We'll see what happens. Here's hoping he realizes that there's life to live. And here's hoping I'll find the guy who's gonna give me the little things I want in a relationship. And until then, Ben and Jerry's will continue to thrive as long as Chubby Hubby is produced.

Why I Love Deep V's

2009-11-11T20:20:00.002-05:00

It's become a common thing in my circle of friends to talk about me and my deep v's. I mean, hell. It's my url for facebook, this blog, my screenname for twitter. I own one in almost every basic color, all from American Apparel, all in XXS. They are my absolute favorite item in my wardrobe.

But WHY?

Well, to be perfectly honest, I love how they feel on my skin. The soft fabric, the nice stretch over my shoulders and chest. The V shows off my best feature, my neck. When I put on a deep v and look in the mirror, the confident, cocky, strong Tyler comes out. And I wear them with pride.

Find your thing. Maybe it's a watch, a hairstyle, a scarf. Maybe it's silk, spandex, lamé. Maybe it's your glasses. Maybe it's that bag. Whatever it is, get it and bring out your best. Then carry it on.

My Name is Tyler. And I'm a...

2009-11-09T20:49:00.002-05:00

I feel like everyone belongs in some sort of 12 step program.

Well, I don't know if 12 steps are really necessary for most addictions. At least the first step. Admitting that you have a problem. We all have a problem with something. Usually more than one. Now I can admit that my biggest issues don't really have an official group, and they don't have any extremely negative consequences. Diet Coke, Trading Cards, TV on DVD.

But my biggest addiction that I've just come to realize existed is the feel of a boy's skin on mine.

Holding, being held. Making out, cuddling. Topping, Bottoming. The skin to skin feel is electrifying. I need it when I'm sad, crave it when I'm happy. It's all I think about most nights when I'm alone. The smell, the feel, the sound of fingers brushing against his skin. It's too much to bare. I'll get it eventually. But even then it's still a never ending desire. I'm a touchy person. Holding hands is amazing. I just hope the guy I'll end up with realizes that. :)

I Put On My Old Winter Coat

2009-11-08T22:35:00.003-05:00

I would like a new coat. Granted, it's rather useless in the sunny state of Florida, especially in Orlando. But there's something about coats that make me feel safe. Better than a pair of jeans, a pair of shoes, the video game you've been dying for, that impulse buy that you instinctively go for. With a coat, a jacket, a hoodie, a cardigan, you can hold yourself and for a second or maybe longer, however long you need, and the world is safer, smaller, warmer, and maybe, just maybe, as close to perfect as possible in that moment.

On the show that I tend to refer to whenever I'm upset or confused about life, Grey's Anatomy, Mary McDonnell played Dr. Virginia Dixon, a cardio surgeon with Asperger's Syndrome. When Dr. Miranda Bailey comes up with a creative solution to a girl who needs medication delivered to her constantly to keep her heart running healthily, Dr. Dixon freaks out for lack of a better phrase due to her inability to go beyond her science. She then runs into an office and grabs her exam coat and presses it around her. She states that the pressure suppresses the body's reaction and releases endorphins, making her calm down. Dr. Bailey, and Dr. Christina Yang then proceed to hold her until her shaking and panicking stops.

That's why a hug feels so good when you're having a bad day. But when it's 2 in the morning and you're halfway down your pint of Ben and Jerry's, try a jacket. I have one from an ex, it's a big brown cord jacket, too big for me, I couldn't wear it for a while. But now, it's there. For when I need it. But for now, I'm gonna get started on my ice cream.

Him

2009-11-07T15:19:00.002-05:00

So, I met a new guy. He's great. Tall, handsome, sexy, he makes me smile like a idiot, gives me that butterfly feeling.

But I tend to fall fast and my brain gets set on hyperspeed and the next thing I know, I'm all the way on the other end of the rainbow and he's still packing his bags for the trip. And that's assuming he's packing like I do which is about a week in advance. I just tend to be prepared and think very far in advance.

So when he's busy at work, my mind wanders to the dark side. I'm a little needy, it's a weakness. I'm admittedly so. He lives an hour away, but I think it will be good for me. I think the distance, the traveling, the missing him so much sometimes it hurts, it'll all help me grow. I need this. And I want him. So maybe for once I'll get the best of both worlds. There's magic in our time together. When he kisses me, steals the covers, grabs my ass. When I pick him up, feel his tummy growl, listen to his heartbeat. So I need to realize that the magic just doesn't disappear because he's not with me. Because he probably is feeling the same way when he gets a chance to put everything down and think about me. I just have less to do on the weekends.

Songs That Changed My Life

2009-10-18T20:42:00.002-04:00

Music is what many of us enjoy while we're driving in the car, studying for a big test, running on the treadmill. Music tells many of us how we're supposed to feel during a TV show, movie, play.

Music has the ability to save us from ourselves.

A few songs that have done this for me.

Wonderful by Gary Go.

This song's chorus asks, no pleads, with the listener to say "I am Wonderful." Growing up as a kid with a mild form of body dismorphia, this is absolutely the hardest thing for me to do most days. I mean, I look in my full length mirror every single day and in the morning, I may pick out one thing that's really good, or tear apart myself piece by piece. It's not healthy. But when I'm running on the treadmill and that song comes on, I just let it all out and go full force, just like they do in the video.

Very Busy People by The Limosines

A silly little diddy with great imagery. "While we masturbate to pixelated videos of strangers fucking themselves" It's full of witting lines like "The Donnie Darko DVD has been repeating for a week/And we know every single word./I got an iPod like a pirate ship/We'll sail the seas with 50,000 songs we've never heard." It makes me remember about what life should be like when we have nothing better to do. We're very busy people, but we're rarely busy when it comes to the important things like meeting new friends and making inside jokes.

You Belong With Me by Taylor Swift

Okay. I'm officially too gay to function. But seriously, can you say story of my life? Multiple instances of exactly what this song talks about. However, I am a firm believer that the song is less about unrequited love and being in love with your best friend, but about surviving everything love throws at you. It hurts, but you're not alone and you'll get through it. T. Swizzle reminds us of that every time she is not interrupted by a douchebag rapper at an awards ceremony.

Dear Mr. Right

2009-10-14T20:30:00.002-04:00

Hi, My name is Tyler. But if you're Mr. Right then you already know that. Because we've made a connection without even knowing it. Our souls are touched. You have no idea how much I want to see your face and touch your skin. And that pales in comparison to how much I just want to talk to you and laugh at inside jokes that no one else gets. There's no words for how much I want to get all dressed up to go out to the club and you'll look at me and just pounce on me. I want all my friends to talk about how wonderful we are when they talk about us. And when we talk about each other to our closest confidants, all of our dirty details will be revealed and our friends will be sorry they ever asked. You'll keep me warm when the night cools the earth, and even when the sun bakes the crust of the earth, you'll still want to hold my hand despite how hot and sweaty it'll get. And I'll do the same. You'll laugh even when I make a stupid joke, and you'll poke me when I'm not expecting it. You'll give me silly gifts and gifts that mean something. You'll provide me with all the energy that I forget to reserve for myself. You'll listen to me rant about my studies and eventually become an art historian in your own right. You'll travel with me and my family and I with yours. You'll let me drive everywhere. You'll let me sing at the top of my lungs, even if I don't know the words and I'm off key. Then you'll tell me how amazing I am. And I'll do whatever you want me to do. I'll do everything I can to make you happy. And we'll fight. And we'll cry. And we'll come close to blows and shouting matches. And I'll storm out and ask to be let back in. It'll be the stuff of fairy tales. And it may not last. But it'll be magical for the time being.

Sincerely,
Me. In all my faults. And all my strengths.

Thintensity

2009-10-07T16:39:00.002-04:00

It's news to nobody that there is a pressure on anyone old enough to understand size that it's a negative thing to be overweight. Nutritionists and doctors warn us about BMIs and body fat percentages and Dietitians tell us that we aren't getting enough fruits, veggies, meats, grains, and too much fats, sugars, and oils. This coupled with statistics about Obesity, both child and adult lead us all to believe that we must be all slowly dying unless we shape up.

But a few of us have been blessed with a natural slim body. Like me.

However, just because I can eat almost everything I want and not gain an ounce, does not mean that I am not above issues of body dismorphia.

The past few weeks I have been using exercise to move myself from the slump of a post relationship mood of "blah" to motivate myself to become better. To be more desirable, to be more attractive. I think that I'm attractive most days, but I know that I could do better. I work myself til I'm sick or until I can't move because I'm so sore due to lactic acid build up. I go evenings, days, several days without eating if I'm having a fat day or if something comes up, I just won't eat. Unfortunately for me, this isn't healthy.

I'm working on learning to love myself every hour of every day. It's hard work, because especially when I fuck up or feel icky, I am my own worst enemy. But through the love of my friends and family, I'm working on it while still pushing myself to become better, but it's now for the right reasons and in a healthier manner.

Pride

2009-10-06T22:39:00.002-04:00

It takes a strong man to admit defeat. It takes a stronger man to vomit after a kick boxing class and walk back in and get his things then tell all of his coworkers how awful an experience it was. I guess I'm a strong individual. But while defeat was faced today while offering my sacrifice to the porcelain altar, I have vowed to go back every single week until I conquer that class.

And maybe talk to the instructor. I totally got the vibe and he's super cute.

The Reason We Have a Heart

2009-10-05T20:11:00.002-04:00

Now I'm stepping out on a limb here and talking about the philosophy of a video game that combines possibly one of the greatest video game companies every and the scourge of the earth in my opinion.

Kingdom Hearts - Disney and Square Enix's love child that's combined classic Disney movies and Characters with a compelling storyline and fresh characters that just amazing all who come in contact with the games. If you want to google the storyline or Wiki all the spoilers, feel free. None of it really matters, but if you want to know more about the characters I'll be discussing that's the plan of action you're gonna need to take.

The most recent game takes place between the two major console hits Kingdom Hearts and the aptly titled, Kingdom Hearts 2 and sometime coinciding with the first bridge game for the Game Boy Advance, Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories (which was remade for the PS2 as re:Chain of Memories). It's titled 358/2 Days. Why I can't tell you and I'm about 14 hours into it myself. The game itself focuses on the elusive Organization XIII who are trying to bring Kingdom Hearts (basically a giant heart in the sky where all lost hearts go when they're released by the keyblade, now I'm thinking you really need to know something about the games to understand part of this... shit.) into actuality in order for themselves to gain a heart. But why don't they have a heart you must be asking? Because they are Nobodies. Capital N. Like in Wicked with Animals and animals. Big difference. Nobodies (capital N) are the hollow shells of people who have lost their hearts. Most turn into a generic form called a Dusk (among others if they had stronger hearts) but the strongest keep a form similar to what they were before they became a Nobody. These are the Organization members.

Now the game focuses specifically on Roxas, the 13th member of the Organization and wielder of the keyblade (giant key used as a sword. done.) He's coming into the realization of what life is and what it is to lack a heart as he experiences things like Beast protecting his castle from the Heartless (come on people, use your brain with that one. Evil things) so that he can protect Belle because he loves her, and Phil pushing Hercules to the extreme because Phil has faith in him that he'll be the best there ever was. But what confuses him is that he worries over his friend who's fallen into a coma at one point, and he misses his friend when he's sent away on a long term mission.

So if he can feel emotions like worry and longing, but not love or faith? Well, at first I thought it was just that he remembered those emotions from his past life as a human with a heart. Good thought, right? But as I pondered more and more on the subject, I looked deeper at what was actually happening. Science tells us that emotions are all triggered by chemical reactions in the brain, and even though the game is rated E10+ by the ESRB, I highly doubt that if we want to look at the game more seriously, we can't expect to just accept that all emotions come from the heart.

So why do we have a heart?

I believe we have two hearts. The first one is muscle and kinda ugly and for some reason Christina Yang and my ex were obsessed with it, but it pumps our blood for us and I guess that's pretty important. The second one looks like a Valentine you made for the kid who had a crush on in Elementary, Middle, or High School (or if you're me, college. FML) that you're afraid to give to them for fear of rejection (or that he's straight. again. FML). Just a simple heart shape. You know, <3 ♥ and all that jazz. That kinda rests inside your rib cage spanning your chest. This is the one that starts out all fresh and pretty, then gets ripped through with machine gun fire and you have to put it back together with duct tape, needle and thread, rubber cement and occasionally staples. This is what the Nobodies lack. It's what they seek.

And they seek it because they don't understand joy. Good things happen to them all the time. They succeed at their jobs, they make discoveries, they have things that they like to do. But it doesn't bring them joy. What brings you joy is watching your favorite movie, eating your favorite junk food and not telling your personal trainer that one twinkie, actually was a whole box, and driving too fast with the top down screaming the lyrics to Kelly Clarkson's latest single with the wind blowing through your hair on the way to the best Fro Yo place in the world. Joy's love at first sight, and the magical life that you send yourself through with that person in the next thirty seconds after seeing them for the first time. It's what happens when a cute guy sends you a DM on twitter. Joy is forgetting that there's something to do, somewhere to be, someone to talk to. Joy is realizing that time has stopped and that nothing in the world can make you want to change what you're doing at that very moment.

Joy is what it means to have a heart.

Separation of Church and State

2009-10-04T18:52:00.002-04:00

Separation of Church and State is a catch phrase for any social issue that seems to have less groundings in political correctness, but moreso in moral ideals.

Websters defines the three buzz words as follows

Separation - an act or instance of separating or the state of being separated; a place, line, or point of parting

Church -a building for public Christian worship; the Christian faith; a place of public worship of a non-Christian religion

State - the body politic as organized for civil rule and government; the operations or activities of a central civil government

And now to briefly list the issues that fall into this catalog of issues:

Gay marriage
Abortion
Religion in Public Schools
"In God We Trust" on currency

Just a few issues of many others. There's a lot of overlap on some, and a lot of people don't realize a lot of those other problems that may be considered by some to be discrimination against atheists.

I'm not going to harp about gay marriage, not going to list the reasons I feel abortions should be legal, not going to advocate making set curricula for public schools to eliminate discussion on Creationism/Intelligent Design/Evolution in any way shape or form, or to demand a recall of all currency and a reprinting of every bill and coin in the country. I'm here to discuss the reason behind the concept, the origins in the most basic of sense, and why we'll never get rid of it under the current constitution.

Something that people have to remember from 5th grade history is that the Puritans came over to the new world for religious freedom. They were an extremist sect of the Protestant church who were being persecuted by the Church of England. When the King has one religion, you better agree or else. But they decided that they didn't want to and took the steps to make a change in their lives, despite the risks because they were unhappy. (What a concept America...) These were the ancestors of our founders, of the people who decided that they were royally pissed off enough at the motherland to call up the people that England hated the most and ask them to help them fight off the Red Coats and finally win their independence and create their own country free of monarchy. So the point of that is, the United States were founded by a group of people with religious singularity.

So what does that mean? There's no concept of separation or unification there, right? Wrong.

By having like minded people, they were bound to have issues arise where people would agree on the moral code as to which they would deal with those issues. Oh, Billy stole Mary's goat? Thou shalt not steal Billy. God said so. Billy gets put in jail. End of story. Now most people think stealing is wrong. But that's because we've learned that it's wrong because social contract says that. But where did the social contract get a majority of its foundation? Religion. A separation of church and state is essentially impossible right now because we have set a majority of our laws and social rules in alignment with religious views. When you combine all these things together, it sets a precedent for future generations and lawmakers to look to long set traditional guidelines for their personal moral codes, thus affecting modern issues like gay marriage and abortion that never came around during ancient times.

It may never be legal for me to marry my Prince Charming and it may never become politically and ethically sound for a girl to get an abortion if she feels like she can't care for the child. At least under the current ideas. We're just a little under 225 years old and we're already running our country into a social hole. Who would have thought that a concept as amazing and widespread and *gasp* progressive as universal healthcare would have seemed so dangerous to many people? We're so afraid of communism and socialism that McCarthyism is becoming a whole new disaster in a new time and it's dangerous. We're terrified of Hitler and fascism, but we're headed that path. If we want to continue as a democracy, we need to move more left in our political climate or we're going to become the next great fascist country and we're gonna be fucked.

Time for a Revolution.

Purpose

2009-10-04T18:32:00.000-04:00

Musing over the past few days about the things that happen to me and the problem of me beginning to internalize them and stewing and then when they come out, it's a bit explosive.

So I started this blog. We'll see how this develops over the next few weeks. There won't be many updates about my life, that's what Twitter and Facebook are for. But the point of this is for me to post things that I feel like saying but I may not have anyone to say them to specifically.

It'll be interesting. I'm excited.