Recently, I've been focusing on positivity. Trying to keep a good attitude, eyes forward, shoulders back. You know that kinda thing. Putting the past behind me is something I'm just not good at. I have a killer memory and I study art history. Emphasis on the HISTORY part of that. But somethings I just don't want to remember. Like how happy I was with my ex.
Chad was an amazing boyfriend, but every day since we broke up I wonder just a little bit about what I did to him and what he did to me and what it would be like if we were still together. I mean, I can still do things that we used to do together. I can go to IKEA, I can eat Hummus House, I can play Castlevania games. All those things that used to make me think of him don't really have that effect anymore. It's the things now that didn't remind me of him that are starting to get to me. Of the last week I've been at the gym, I've been hit with these waves of nostalgia for him like waves of nausea and literally today I almost wanted to throw up.
I just don't understand it honestly. I'm ready to move forward with my life, solo or with someone else. I'm open for discussion on that topic. I'm looking forward to my summer of Grad School Prep. I'm beyond excited for the opportunities that lay ahead of me and the multitude of paths that lay in front of me excite the living shit out of me. I could be in Minnesota, Columbus, Ann Arbor, Chicago, Bloomington, Philadelphia, State College, anywhere it seems sometimes. I'm so ready for the next chapter in my life that it hurts. But how can I move into that fully when some part of me still clings to the past and that relationship specifically.
I was in love with him. I still love him. And part of it probably is because it was a phone call and not face to face. Part of it is probably because I left him in a really hard part of his life and I feel guilty. Part of it is that he deleted me off of facebook, which sounds juvenile but it's about control and how I had no say in the apparent severing of our ties. Maybe I should just let it be; let this cycle of my emotional wheel roll around until I get to the next part. But I don't want it to just come back around again and have it hit harder the next time and I don't want to ignore it and pretend it doesn't happen. The summer is hard because my friends aren't here. I don't have a structure. I don't have the multitudes of people to get lost in and lose myself for just a moment. I'm stuck in my world, just me and my inner self. I'm a shell with a hurricane inside and I'm just ready to let it go, but I'm not sure if I am ready to pick up the destruction.
At least writing about it helps a little.
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